On Tuesday I will face the day that I have been dreading for some time. I go back to work. Ironically on Tuesday it will have been one year since we found out that Bailey boo was growing inside of me. So, Tuesday will be the first day that I will be away from her in the last year for more than a few hours. Ok, so I know most of that time she was inside of me but still she was with me.
I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom and I can't say that feeling has really changed. However, I really don't want to leave Bailey either. It is a mix of emotions. I miss teaching and having a life outside of the house but I wish there was a way that I could teach with Bailey strapped to my back or something. :) I am filled with anxiety for many reasons....1) Just being away from her and wondering if she is ok 2) Being able to get out the door on time now that I need to get myself ready, get Bailey ready, get Bailey fed, and pump. 3) Pumping at work and wondering if I will be able to keep up with what she eats 4) Not seeing my sweet little bears' smiling face. I have tried to express my anxieties to Trever, but I don't think men get it and maybe some women don't either. I know that he is excited to see her when he gets home and calls to see how she is doing during the day but I am not sure it is the same when you have grown to love having someone snuggled up to you so intimately to nurse.
I have switched who will be watching her during the day and I am at much more peace with leaving her than I have been for many weeks. It is a long story that I would rather not publish for the whole world to read, but will tell you about it privately so just ask. You might be sorry you did. So, I will not be getting her in the afternoons from the parking lot. Really I had come to realize that it really wasn't going to work anyway because Bailey has really settled into taking a seriously long nap in the afternoons and without it she isn't much fun to be around in the evenings. The new lady watching her is totally comfortable with keeping her on her same schedule so I think it is going to be an easier transition for the bear. I am confident too that the new lady will definitely treat Bailey like she is her own baby and is super sweet!
I am hoping not to be too big of a wreck and that I will actually be able to pull myself together to get myself in the school door. I do know that many of the kids are ready for me to come back so seeing them will make me more at peace. When I was up there the other day one of my students said, "Are you coming back soon." I told her, "yes, next week!" and she said, "oh next week I hope it goes by fast. " I was thinking I hope the next 9 weeks go by fast. My sub told me too that she overheard some of the kids talking saying, "Did you see Ms. Williams? I am ready for her to come back!" and my favorite 13 year old boy comment, "Ya I saw her and she sure is a lot skinnier!" Duh I had a baby! Boys! I keep reminding myself that I am returning to a job that I really do love and that my days usually do go by fast so I should be thankful. So, be thinking of me on Tuesday as I face one of the hardest things that I think I have had to do. I am going to miss my Bailey boo something terrible! Well I have rambled on this post long enough. I must go now so that I can start plotting how I am going to escape from school early everyday next week! :)
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